WHYWHYWHY? Well, here's why.

Why haven't you posted anything lately? In the spirit of being an open book about what it's like to live with cancer - and it's not the same for everyone - but for me the past two months have been an emotional and physical roller coaster ride. Oh, wait. That's not in keeping with the voyage theme, so make that really rough storm seas.

I just didn't have the energy or desire to write anything. I hit a wall. I was tired of being tired, bald, feeling crappy, feeling like the treatment would never end, feeling that I would never feel normal again, tired of food having no taste, tired of the weird vibrations and pain and lack of feeling in my fingers and toes, tired of not being able to get up and go. Just tired. I was depressed and I wanted to stop the treatments and try to feel normal for a few months and then just die. Yeah, I know you don't want to hear this.

I dreaded the radiation treatments and it took me a long time to figure out why. I told my radiation oncologist. Actually, I railed at him, poor man, told him I did not want to live and never have, etc., etc., etc. He is fortunately an empathic man and spent some time talking with me and part of my support group who were with me. He and I decided an anti-depressant was called for but he did not want to prescribe it. My chemo oncologist is also a psychiatrist and he felt she would be better qualified. So just knowing that relief was coming was, well, a relief. But I was still angry and resistant to radiation.

It wasn't until after the first treatment that I figured it out. My father died of lung cancer in 1984. They cracked open his chest and decided that the only thing they could do was try to shrink the tumors with radiation. That didn't really work and the last months of his life were not fun.

Part of me knows that cancer treatment has progressed light years from what it was in 1984. And I know many people who have had cancer and are still around. But I also have friends and family who are not around, but the person who occupied my thoughts most of all was my father. I was angry because he died too soon and angry because treatment did not help him. Once I admitted that to the doctor, we both understood much better. But I'm still taking my little blue happy pills.

Just so you know, inserting the applicator is a bit uncomfortable but the radiation itself does not hurt. One more radiation treatment next Wednesday and then back on chemo again for the fall. Done with that now and hated every moment although, per usual, the technicians were caring and superb.

MORE PLEASANT SURROUNDINGS
My cousins, Dianne and her daughter Sherri, came down and now my living room is gorgeous. Most mornings I sit on the front porch (that Dianne and husband Joe painted on their previous visit) with my coffee and watch the birds while Plank and The Kitten wrestle with each other.

Ever the planner and organizer, Dianne also whirl-winded through my jumbled, messy back porch and rearranged and organized everything. My job is to keep it that way. So now I walk into the house and put stuff down instead of on the porch. Dianne's reward for all her work was dinner at Wakulla Springs (we were too late for a boat ride) and then we went to the St. Marks Lighthouse for the sunset. Yeah. She deserves more than that I think.

BACK ON CHEMO
I have to say that the little blue pills are doing their job and I'm grateful for that. Wednesday, September 23 saw me in the chemo infusion lab for my chemically induced nap. Steroids are one of the pre-meds to give a couple of feel good days before fatigue hits. I expect to be one with the mattress for the weekend. I actually looked forward to the chemo because I am nearing the end of treatment. The long break from chemo helped me realized that I should be able to feel normal again but it will take a few months after the last treatment (expected to be November 4).

Then we start the surveillance phase. Well, that's what they call it. I'll go back for checkups every three months for the chemo doc and every six months for the radiation doc for a time. If all is going okay the checkups will be less frequent until I hit the magic five year mark.

HAIR AGAIN
Well, it's starting to grow back but will probably disappear as the chemo works its bald magic. The one good thing is that I have not had to shave my legs in several months. If the leg hair does not come back I won't be unhappy.

I think someone should start a pool on what color and if my head hair will come back curly or straight.

AN EPIDEMIC
When I do get out and about many women come up and tell me that they have had cancer and that my hair will come back and I will be okay again. Not that I get out all that much but in Publix or having lunch with friends or at work when I am able to go, people share their story. I think more people should share mostly because it will make all of us realize that cancer affects many lives. All I can tell you is pay attention to your body. When you think something is wrong check it out because something probably is wrong.

Everyone knows I don't go for the doctor. In fact, it has been years since I went to the doctor. (But I'm making up for all that lost time now!) It's partly my upbringing and partly because I just don't like going to the doctor for no good reason. But I knew something was wrong and I ignored it for nearly six months.

It seems like cancer is becoming an epidemic. In your life you will probably lose at least one person you love to cancer and you will know others who will have cancer. Luckily, understanding the disease and treating the disease have progressed and will continue to progress. In the end, though no doctor, medicine, or lifestyle can cure death. I am so fortunate to have the oncologists at the TMH Cancer Center on my side. They take the time to listen and understand, console, explain, and HELP me get through this.

And I am most grateful for the good friends who stop by, call to check on me, keep me in their thoughts, and are more than eager to help in any way they can. I started this note a couple of weeks ago and I had to get it finished this morning before my energy runs out. I think of you all as much as you thin of me if not more!

I think this is all I have for now. I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing with the last part of treatment (two more to go!). I plan to come out okay on the other side.