DON'T BE SAD - CHANGES IN ATTITUDES - BUT NOT LATITUDES

I don't expect all of you to read these notes. Some of you have said that they make you too sad. You hate that I have to go through this. Trust me - none of you hate it more than I do but I need to do this if I want to see my little longleafs grow! It's okay if you choose not to read about this experience but I would not be seeking treatment if I didn't think I had a good chance to be annoying a few more years.

FIRST naturally regenerated longleaf
in my yard this spring. It's about
twice that size now.

Which leads me to our expiration date. We all know we have one. We just don't know when it is. So we go sailing through life with little thought to The End. Our pets die. Our parents die. Famous people die. Our friends die. Our co-workers die. People around us die all the time but they die - not us. But then you get a disease and all of a sudden, "Whoa! Maybe I should not put off taking that trip until I've saved more money. Maybe I should do it now."

That's one attitude change for me. I'm thinking about things I'd like to do besides get the living room painted. I guess that is the bucket list but that term irks me so I'm not going to use it again.

I want to see the west - the mountains, the forests, the deserts. I want to go to Ohio where my father came from and climb Tener Mountain (I'm pretty sure that at least part of it must be on land one of my ancestors owned since my maiden name is Tener) and explore old cemeteries and find the resting places of my ancestors in Ohio and Georgia and North Carolina. I want to take a cruise on a paddlewheeler. I want to see my little bit of sandhill come back to vibrant life.

I've gone through more than six decades in boringly good health. The worst thing that's happened to me was a broken arm in the fourth grade from speeding too fast on my bicycle around a turn. Aside from a head cold or flu I've never been really sick. I never had surgery until April. I've never faced a serious or even semi-serious illness myself even though others around me have.

I found this pretty little aster growing along
the dirt road behind my house this evening.

Now I have a better understanding of how they might feel. How they cope with living in pain or failing health or uncertainty. In this way, cancer is making me a better person just like working in a restaurant and bar while in college made me a better customer - don't leave the table a mess, don't be too loud, don't be rude to the person who is serving. etc. However, if they aren't doing a good job it's okay to let them know. I thought I was a compassionate person but now I see that I can be more caring and empathetic.

There is a lesson to be learned here folks.

I'm learning that many people want to help me and I am learning to accept help because that has always been difficult for me. My friends are the best people! Even those of you who live far away. I know you are sending me good vibes and I am grateful for that.

This is where the pavement ends
and the dirt begins on the way to
my house. I was a few minutes too late
to catch the really striking color of the
sunset. But I liked the juxtaposition
of the pretty clouds and the sign -
Pavement Ends.

This post has not been very humorous so I have to close with a smart ass remark. When I was in college the legal drinking age in Florida was 21. My friends and I celebrated my 21st birthday in a bar where I had been imbibing on a fake ID for a year. On the cake (and I have no idea how much they paid the baker to actually put this on the cake) was a fist shooting a bird and my still favorite phrase, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." Even the bartender laughed.

The voyage is just beginning. There will be some rough seas ahead, after all Hurricane Season just began (and will end about the time my treatments are finished. But there will be good wind and smooth water too. Don't despair because I sure as hell ain't a gonna.